The Great American Novel
by 13-10OHNO
Summary: This is a story by myself & a friend of mine, filled with nonsense about a spartan general/king and his adventures. Contains a wide variety of characters: from Dovahkiin from Skyrim, to Mortal Kombat characters, to Kratos from the God of War series. Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It was morning on Coco Island, and the spartans where carrying out their normal routines. On shore, Smlmos sat across from Dovahkiin, both having serious expressions on their faces. Smlmos was sweating profusely, his veins pressed up against his face as he stroked his goatee nervously.

"I don't think that would be a very good idea." Said Dovahkiin.

Smlmos looked up at him, then back down to the board between them. Then, with a trembling hand, Smlmos moved his king piece one space forward. Dovahkiin looked at Smlmos, smiling mischievously. Smlmos was breathing heavily, sweat cascading down his face in extreme terror. Then Dovahkiin stood, focusing his gaze on Smlmos' last moved chess piece.

"FUS-RODAH!" He yelled.

The chess pieces all flew toward Smlmos, pelting him everywhere as he yelled in pain. Dovahkiin crossed his arms in front of him, laughing victoriously.

"AHAA! I've never won five games of chess in a row before!" he said.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!" Smlmos yelled while pulling a black knight piece out of his shoulder. They heard rustling in the bushes, and then saw Jack and Patchy rush out of the jungle onto shore, panting heavily.

"The trainers..." Jack said before having time to catch his breath. "They're back!"

Smlmos walked over to Jack, shocked.

"That's impossible!" He said. "We defeated them over two months ago!"

"ARGH!" Said Patchy, "Well believe it lad! They be back!"

He had two mugs in his hands, both filled with hot coco. He handed them to Smlmos and Dovahkiin and they started drinking the warm liquid. Then Smlmos felt something weird on his tongue. He reached into his mouth and pulled out a long, thick black hair. He turned to Dovahkiin, holding the hair out in front of him and gagging like a cat about to have a hair ball.

"FEIM!" Dovahkiin yelled and turned spectral purple, just before vomit spewed from Smlmos like a fire truck hose. It shot strait through Dovahkiin, but hit a spartan scout that had emerged from the bushes behind the shouting nord. The spartan looked down at his armor in disgust and was about to run back to camp before Smlmos stopped him by yelling,

"WAIT! What news do you have to report?"

The scout walked to the group of four and said,

"Los tortugas estas patinando en la casa de cerbeza y queso con dies pesos en mi borzillo!"

"WHO THE HELL HIERED THE SPANISH SCOUT?!" Yelled Smlmos as he threw his arms up in anger. A couple more spartans emerged from the jungle. Smlmos eyeballed one of them and walked toward him. He poked him forcefully in the chest, saying,

"Was it you?"

The spartan looked around, confused, and asked,

"Was what me?"

Smlmos growled as he grabbed the spartan by the neck, pulling the spartan toward him so that they're faces where an inch away from each other's. Smlmos seethed and said,

"Never get within ten feet of me..."

He pushed the spartan away forcefully, making him stumble and fall backwards in the sand. He turned to the scout and asked how far away the trainers were, but the spartan replied,

"No habla ingles!"

Smlmos cursed then turned to Jack and asked him the same question.

"They're at the waterfall battlin' our men!" Jack said.

Smlmos nodded then said,

"Dovahkiin! Let's-" he looked around and saw no sign of Dovahkiin.

"Where the hell is Dovahkiin?!" He yelled. The group shrugged. He dismissed it, then he and the group rushed towards the coco waterfall.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Smlmos, followed by the two pirates and his spartans ran into the clearing around the waterfall that their camp was in. They saw Chuck Norris and Dovahkiin sitting on bamboo chairs across from each other, a bamboo table in between them. Chuck Norris was smiling and Dovahkiin had a worried expression on his face. Spartans and pokemon trainers surrounded them, saying "Ooooh" and "Ahhh", staring at the nintendo DS's that the two held. Then Dovahkiin shot out of his chair.

"NOOOO!" He yelled, before he slammed his DS on the bamboo table, crushing it, and walked away angrily, blaming kajiits and dragons. Chuck Norris let out a hardy laugh as the island radio played a western guitar riff of victory. Then the radio started skipping, everyone looked around confused as the radio started to play Rage of Sparta. Then everyone saw the silhouette of Kratos behind the coco waterfall. Then there was a loud grunt as Kratos jumped violently from the water fall, two DS's replacing the Blades of Exile that he had been using. He landed in front of Chuck Norris, then stood strait.

"This battle will be your last!" Kratos said as he shoved a DS into Chuck Norris' chest. The crowd of spartans and trainers roared in approval as the two sat in the bamboo chairs. They flipped open the DS's, and what appeared on the screens shocked everyone there. It was the Aphrodite sex scene from God of War 3! The trainers and spartans held up signs for Chuck Norris or Kratos. After about a minute, a worried look came across Chuck's face because Kratos' face was concentrating intensely on the screen as loud female screams came from his DS. Then a seductive female voice from Kratos' DS said,

"Oh what a spartan!"

And a voice from Chuck Norris' DS said,

"UGH! Hardly any fun at all!"

Then Kratos grabbed Chuck's shirt collar and pulled him close to his face.

"I AM THE TRUE GOD OF WAR!" Kratos yelled before slamming Chuck Norris into the ground with a forceful grunt, so hard that it made a hole leading down to the underworld. Trainers and spartans looked down to see Chuck Norris being torn apart by the lost souls of the River Styx! Then, with an explosion of water, Chuck shot out of the hole, DS in hand, and landed next to the hole. A lost soul was trying to drag him back in, but he drop kicked it into the spanish scout, who then started running around, frantically trying to get it off, yelling,

"Yo quiero quelas tortugas gunahe el partido para me comida!"

"What the hell is he saying?!" Yelled Smlmos.

"Oooh! A brutish one!" Said a very voice from the crowd. The crowd of trainers and spartans dispersed as Septimus walked up to Smlmos and said,

"The rocks wisper beneath the stone, and the clouds in between! The liquid fire so to speak! To speak to-"

"JUST GET TO THE F*CKING POINT!" Yelled Smlmos angrily.

"Septimus has no fear of you!" Said Septimus. "The scout you see speaks the language of the Dwemer!"

Smlmos' eyes turned red, so did his face, and his blue veins pressed up violently against his face. Then he moved left, right, crouched twice, and then everything but Septimus turned black around him as the radio played

"Dun-dun-duuuun!" Then Smlmos threw a pokeball at Septimus. It bounced of Septimus' head, then it opened and a red beam shot out of it and enveloped Septimus in it, then he was sucked into the ball and it fell to the floor. The radio played dramatic music as the ball wiggled a couple times. Then...

"Dun-dundundundundunduuuuuuuuun!" Smlmos caught him! Yay!

"Let's test him out..." Smlmos said to himself. He beckoned over a spartan, then spartan kicked the spartan onto the floor, yelling,

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME!" Then he threw the pokeball and yelled "Go weird guy!"

The spartan got up, confused, and saw Septimus in front of him. He tried to draw his sword, but couldn't move. Then the radio sounded,

"Dun-dun-duuuun!" There was an explosion of blood as Septimus's limp body fell to the floor, headless. Chuck stood behind it, his arms crossed, the fist coming out of his beard slowly retreating to the depths of his blood covered chin hair. After that a moshpit of death had started, and everyone was killing the trainers. Several mortal kombat characters had showed up to watch the bloodbath, including Scorpion, Sub-zero, and Noob, who had put Patchy into a portal loop. Noob stood, arms crossed, laughing grimly as Patchy screamed in the endless fall, gaining speed as he fell. Kano was also there and was doing a fatality on a trainer, when Sub-zero yelled,

"Wait!" Holding up a 10lb weight in his hand. Then he pointed at a stop sign that had conveniently appeared and said, "Stop." He lowered his index finger with his other hand after he dropped the weight and said "This is pointless."

Blood was everywhere. None of the trainers survived the orgy of fatalities. The only noise came from Patchy screaming in his never ending loop fall and Noob laughing. Patchy had reached terminal velocity from the looping. Then Smlmos walked up to the double portal and yelled

"SHUT UP! BLUE IS SPEAKING!" He grabbed Patchy mid-fall and threw him onto solid ground. Sub-zero continued his speech and the spanish scout translated. Smlmos got pissed at the scout, so he threw a spear at him, yelling

"WE DONT SPEAK SPANISH!" The spear impaled him. The scout started to cough up blood, then said in his final words

"Wait... I can speak english..." Then he died. Then Ezio came out of the bushes close to the dead scout and closed his eyes, saying

"Recquiescat in pace..."

Then Leanardo Da Vinci came out of a blue portal and grabbed Ezio by the arm, saying

"Ezio! This is not our time! We must go back!" He pulled him into the portal. Then, John Locke from lost hastily ran out of the bushed after them, yelling

"Wait! The island isn't done with you!" John followed then into the portal and it closed behind him. Everyone looked around, confused. Then Smlmos' shield began to shake violently, and it exploded.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Pink dust and sprinkles erupted in Smlmos' face and eyes as the island radio blasted the Nyan Cat theme. Smlmos recovered from the pink explosion and saw the Nyan Cat running into the jungle.

"SPARTANS! RETRIEVE MY SHIELD!" He yelled. The spartans groaned and one said

"Aw come on! Again?!"

"That's the third time this week!" Said another. Smlmos walked up to the spartan that last commented, and vertically slapped the hot coco mug out of his hand, making it splash all over the spartan.

"LAST TIME IT WAS AN EWOK!" He yelled. "THIS IS NOTHING ALIKE! GET MY SHIELD!" Everyone chased the Nyan Cat. Scorpion was throwing his demon chain spear thingies yelling

"GET OVER HERE!"

Sub-zero was throwing ice balls, Noob was using shadow charges, and Kano was throwing knives. Smlmos' green veins pressed up against his steaming red face, his eyes were bloodshot, and his teeth were clenched. He was pissed at the pathetic team of spartans that he had.

"Hurry up!" He yelled, tapping his foot rapidly and impatiently as he waited.

Dovahkiin had just stepped out of the outhouse on the beach. He had just finished putting on his belt when he heard the Nyan Cat theme blaring in the distance. Then he saw the Nyan Cat burst through the bushes.

'POPTART!' He thought to himself as his mouth watered. Then he shouted

"YOL!" Flames engulfed the cat. Dovahkiin sprinted up to it, grabbed it, and took a huge bite out of it just before everyone broke through the trees onto the beach. Smlmos had come out of one of Noob's portals, just in time to see Dovahkiin take a huge bite out of the Nyan Cat.

"MY SHIELD!" He yelled. He turned to Patchy and said

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT! Black hole! Make a loop!" Noob made a loop portal and Smlmos tossed Patchy in. Then, in an explosion of sprinkles, the Nyan Cat turned back into a shield. Smlmos walked up to Dovahkiin and grabbed his shield, yelling

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"Hey! I didn't know it was your shield!" Said Dovahkiin. "How was I supposed to know?! Last time it was an ewok!"

"I believe I may fix it!" Said Criss Angel who had appeared behind them. Smlmos handed Criss the shield. Criss put the shield behind his back and closed his eyes, making a strained expression. Then he showed his bare palms and an ewok ran from behind him

"Your shield is reborn!" Said Criss as he opened his eyes. Smlmos growled then ran at the ewok, but the ewok was spinning a rock sling thingie, and when Smlmos reached out to grab it, it launched a rock into Smlmos' eye.

"AHH!" He screamed, covering his bleeding eye. The ewok started spinning another rock sling as it said

"Wakacha! Libi makatacha!" Then Jack grabbed the ewok by the head and threw it super far into the ocean. Everyone watched as the ewok flew into the horizon, then...

"BOOM!" The ewok exploded once it hit the water, leaving a giant mushroom cloud in it's place. The sky turned orange and everyone shielded there faces from the blast of heat and wind. Then Dovahkiin pulled a trumpet from his back pocket and played the star spangled banner. Everyone that wore a hat, helmet, or mask removed it and held it over their heart respectively. Patchy was still looping and as Dovahkiin held the last note, Noob shot an angled portal off of a rock, sending Patchy around the world. Smlmos and Kano, both teary eyed, burst into tears when the song ended and hugged, crying loudly. Then one of the spartans raised his spear and yelled

"For sparta!"

"SHUT UP!" Yelled Smlmos as face became angry and he fixed his eyes on the spartan that had just banged his spear on his shield after raising it. He fast walked to the spartan, grabbed his shield, and threw it into the sea.

"Aw, come on!" Said the spartan. "I liked that shield!" Then Smlmos sweep kicked the spartan, making him fall on his back, and yelled

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!" He then trudged through the jungle, back to camp, cursing about everything, and took a nap.


End file.
